Wednesday, January 4, 2012

Dear Elway: Tebow Goes Or I Do

Lately I have been enjoying myself by teasing Mr.V, stating frequently that I'm going to change teams.

(I don't know if that just made you think, Lesbian!, but that's not what I mean).

What I mean is that I dislike Tim Tebow. I don't like his politics, and I don't like his over-the-top and gaudy displays of devotion, but put those aside and what we have left is an Evangelical who can't play football. I understand there were a few games where Tebow ran it in at the last second and the Broncos won, but those games weren't won by Teeb Teebow. They were won in spite of the Teebs; they were won by our defense, by Matt Prater, by Marion Barber, by luck or chance, certainly not by Jesus, (ok, maybe by Jesus), and not by Tim Tebow. You know what else is that unlike, apparently, most of Denver, I watched the first three quarters of those games and Tebow can't complete passes. Yes, Virginia, there is a Jesus and maybe he cares about football in America, where we have nothing much to worry about other than who wins on Sunday night. But I can't think of any other profession in which a person would be allowed to perform a clown show their entire shift, do some spectacular pirouette (which was not, by the way, in the job description) in their last three minutes, and prance out on fancy feet and prayerful hands to great applause.

My point is that Tebow is ruining my Broncos for me, and so frequently these days I tell the Mr. V that I'm switching teams. "You can't just switch teams," he says, embarrassed and chagrined by what he views, I suspect, as my uniquely feminine irresolution, to which I just smile inwardly and reply, "Of course I can". I can do whatever I want, including declaring, "I'm a Vikings fan now," right after kickoff when Mr. V has just taken a bite of loaded nacho and watching him choke on his pinto beans. "You can't do that," he splutters, my earnest husband, who converted to the Broncos himself when he moved here from Raider Nation and met moi. "It doesn't work that way".

"It does now," I say, which makes me feel powerful and impervious to things like Conservatives and people who use the term "Tebow Time".

I lean toward the Vikings because, why not? Because I think they were my Uncle's team and that seems a place to start. Although sometimes I declare myself a Green Bay fan just to see how far Mr. V can sputter pilsner across the room. "Oh my god," he shouts, like Will Ferrell doing "angry", except he's dead sincere. "Oh god, why?"

I don't know, I admire the tradition: Lambeau field, the Lambeau Leap, the Chedder Headers, or whatever. Brett Favre was cute until he turned into Kim Kardashian, or not even her but one of the lesser, whinier K's, Khloe maybe, or Konstance or Kontinence, but he's gone so I don't have to worry anymore. I'll never be a Jets fan; they treat their female fans horribly, and although Pittsburgh has the highest percentage of female fans in the nation, their tradition, to me, reeks of poverty and despair. I mean, why else would you let rapists play for your team? That cold, industrial climate, it changes a person. I'll never go to another team in the AFC West, why would I want to? (I WOULD DIE FIRST). So Vikings or Packers it is; tell me, do I look better in purple or green?

"Here's what else," I say to my husband; it's almost coy, this dance we do. "I'm a Lakers fan now."

"No," he gasps, truly dismayed this time.

"Yes," I say. "It's my new thing."

"You can't do this. That's what all those stupid famous people do. They move to L.A and become Lakers fans just because it's cool, to have your picture taken courtside. Leonardo Dicaprio. You can only be a Lakers fan if you're actually from L.A."

"Nobody is actually from L.A.," I reply. "L.A. is a city you choose. Anyone who was actually born there has moved away." I know this to be true somehow without actually knowing it. "Also, I want a USC shirt."

At this point my husband just looks at the ground and shakes his head. His spirit leeches out of him while I hide my grin and fold the laundry. "That's not how it works. You went to CSU, you're a CSU fan."

"God no," I say, shuddering. "Green and gold?" Gag me.

"You don't have any connections to USC."

"Your grandpa went there," I say. "And it doesn't matter, anyway. I'm transforming myself. I'm like Madonna now. I can wear a USC shirt if I want. And I am a Lakers fan, so you'd better fucking like it."

It feels important. To celebrate myself and sing myself with the NFL Licensed Gear of my choosing. Fake it til you make it, and so, though right now I'm here, in the cold with Terb Rebow taking us to the playoffs, in my heart I'm in a city where it is warm, where the people are plastic, where team loyalty is a feeling you chose and where people reinvent themselves every day, every evening, every sunrise.

And so can I.


  1. Wow, tell us how you really feel!!

    I was born and raised in Western Pa, which means I was baptized at birth into the Church of the Black and Gold. And since the Steelers are playing against can't-pass-at-all-Tebow this weekend, I must say I am a HUGE Tim Tebow fan! Oh, and by the by, as a female Steelers fan, I will tell you that I do not approve of Big Ben or his shenanigans and I hid all of my childrens' #7 jerseys ages ago. I prefer the back-up quarterback to the one we have. When I start on my Ben Roethlisberger rants, my husband reacts much the same way as yours does when you threaten switching teams.

    And now, let me end this super-long comment with something I've managed to hold back on until now: TEBOW TIME!!!

  2. Haha, Jane Doe! My mom was born in PA too so I suppose I could become a Steelers fan at any moment.

    I get the Heeb-Jeebow's when I see people dressing their kids in Tebow jerseys, I support your Tebow battle cry, and ah what the hell--


  3. (Oh man, that felt wrong. So wrong.)

  4. I think you are wrong! To quote the great Lester Bangs "The only real currency in this bankrupt world is what you share with someone when your uncool"...if you think the Terbow is cool, you need new friends! I'll have to agree with Mr. V on this one...

  5. I just took this photo. Just for you. :)

    (But it's meant as ironic, because I too am not a Tebow fan.)


  6. Wrong for disliking Feeb Feebow, Brother S? Or wrong in that I can't change teams? Because I just did. The Lakers are a real sports team, with nobody doing the rapes or marrying movie stars. Wait.

    (Mr. V thanks you for your support)

  7. Matthew, you're killing me. Hilarious.

  8. There are over 50 players on the Broncos team and you're going to let ONE little Christian player make you switch teams???

    Um... don't hate me. But you might have just revealed yourself to be a type of fair weather fan. But maybe I just don't get it. This comes from someone who is not a fan at all. This is part of why I don't do sports, they seem to cause people too much angst. I like to save my angst for Pyrex and romance novels.

  9. Holla-freakin-loo-yah! I'm sure Tebow's a nice kid and all, but I'm just not a fan. I've been a Broncos fan as long as I've been a football fan (which is to say, since about '98 when I learned I could NOT distract then-boyfriend from the TV during Broncos games.) Hubs and I moved to Arizona 5 years ago, then to Austin 6 months ago and I still can't (and don't want to) switch teams. Hang in there, V. He'll be gone soon enough. Phew.

    So have you seen the SNL skit with Jesus and Tebow? It's totally hilarious. ("Tim's doing his best, Dad bless him" - ha!)

    Anyway, you can't switch to the Steelers. Real Steelers fans can't spell, as evidenced by their cheers for the Stillers. ;-)

  10. I go back and forth between thinking that Tebow is a great example of giving the glory to God or that he's bringing the glory to himself BY overly giving the glory to God. The bible warns against praying so that people see you pray. I don't like the notion that God gives a rip about football. He doesn't. God has much bigger and better things to worry about.

  11. I see what you mean Colleen, and have had the very same thoughts, but on the other hand can a Christian "overly" glorify God? Is that possible?

    Also, whether his intentions are admirable or not, the Bible says, "But what does it matter? The important thing is that in every way, whether from false motives or true, Christ is preached. And because of this I rejoice." Philippians 1:18

    What I found today when I read about him on Wikipedia is the number of Google searches he would inspire when he used his eye black to reference Bible verses was incredible.

  12. M Half, the SNL skit was a highlight of this tribulation many of us Denver fans have walked since the day Teebs was drafted. I believe McDaniels was a mole all along, planted by Belichick to take us down from the inside and bring about our inevitable demise. Somewhere they are laughing their asses off.

  13. PS I could never be a Dallas fan, either. Also, for the record, typing "GO STEELERS" turns out to be a divorce-able offense and, even if it wasn't, is a joke I deeply regret.

  14. I'm just shaking my head here. So, you had me with the dissing of Tebow, but I can't begin to understand anything, anything, anything football. And I have LOTS of friends that are from Los Angeles - and they're actually what make the city fabulous. I'm not kidding! And, finally...USC?? It's like loving Duke when you went to Carolina (that's me). You can't like the University of Spoiled Children. You just can't.

  15. Elizabeth, don't get me wrong. I know nothing about L.A. except that I want to move there. I'm glad to know there are plenty of natives--it makes me feel less crazy for wanting to live in a city that's not considered the most desirable destination 'round these parts.

    University of Spoiled Children, this I've never heard! My husband's grandfather who went there was the son of two working class Czech immigrants. I might still have to be a fan, let's just say I married into it. (That and the Anaheim Angels).

  16. Adios, Good bye, See Ya, Let some one else who loves the Broncos have your seats.

  17. Switch teams and then tell your husband it's retribution for leaving the Nation :) (I live with a household who bleeds silver and black; my husband's been a fan since age 7.) Needless to say, there aren't many Tebow fans around here.

    Just found your blog and love it! Looking forward to reading more.

  18. Thanks for reading, Heather! Thanks also for not telling me to go F myself!


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