We didn't get a very nice fall here. At first it was hot. Then it was suddenly very cold. All the leaves froze and turned dirty brown. There are a few red trees to be found, but they are far between. It snowed yesterday, a soupy wet snow that wasn't pretty or cozy. All the leaves lie mushy and brown in our yard. It froze the day of the pumpkin festival, and they canceled the fun. By the next weekend we were too tired and too broke to make it out there.
Mentally I am reaching forward, into the future, looking for brighter spots to hold on to. Already planning Thanksgiving delights in my head. Catching myself humming Christmas songs over dirty dishes. I was talking to God the Mother the other day (wonders of the internet). She asked what we were going to shed this season, as the trees shed their leaves. She asked what we would reveal in the coming darkness.
I thought they were good questions.
One Sunday, I woke up in a black mood. I took a shower and was feeling so entirely void of any goodness that I went and lay back down. A while later, I woke up. The house was quiet. Outside, one of the only brilliant and beautiful days of fall was happening. It would happen whether I was present to see it or not. I texted Noah to see where he was. He texted back. They were at the horsey park. Did I want him to come get me?
I didn't realize, until now, how valuable this is. To have someone that will leave you in the dark, accepting that is where you are, and then, at the right time, ask you if you're ready to come out of it.
To have the courage to say yes.