I saw the Harry Potter movie and I thought it was terrible.
I had an Insucktion-type blog ready, but when it came down to it, I couldn't post it. I just couldn't find it in my heart to take the mickey out of anything Harry Potter related, even a terrible, terrible movie.
. . . but can I just say that when Bonnie Wright and Daniel Radcliffe kissed each other like that, the director should have yelled 'cut', slapped them both, slapped them both again, and made them do it over, this time pretending that they actually wanted to? I mean, the first part, "Harry Potter and the Interminable Afternoon At Gringott's" was fine, but the second half, "Harry Potter and the Series of Awkward Encounters at Hogwarts", kind of lagged. None of the punchy moments were actually punched. Molly Weasley screaming her trademark line at Lestrange was handled with the same enthusiasm with which I shut off my 5:50 am alarm every morning. Ron and Hermione showed the passion of the brother and sister I have come to think of them as, thanks to the movies.
Remember when Gandalf came back from the dead? Remember when Braveheart rode his horse back and forth in front of rag-tag Scottish army, screaming about poetry and freedom and making our genitals cry? I thought that the "Harry's actually alive" moment had that same resonance and vigor. No seriously. It was really awesome the way Hagrid fumbled Harry and Harry ran away like a rat. It was just like the Braveheart moment. You know, if William Wallace had fallen off his horse and ran while the English shot arrows into his ass. It was like the Gandalf moment, if Stryder had shrugged and looked vaguely hungry instead of staring in the half terror, half wonder of true awe.
But man, the moment when HP7.2 really shone was that totally unexpected scene where-for a moment!--you thought Neville ACTUALLY HAD PLUMMETED TO HIS DEATH OFF THE BRIDGE. If you were not holding your breath and peeing your pants, check your probably-Nordic pulse. When the camera lingered over the place where the bridge broke off, not showing us the full depth into which Neville had supposedly fallen, I was totally buying it. How could I not? I was certain he was dead, but then! SPOILER ALERT: Neville's hand appeared on the precipice of the cliff and he PULLED HIMSELF BACK UP!! No way. No fracking way, guys. Mind = blown. I have never seen that shot in a movie before. So fresh, so original, so authentically riveting. And using up valuable screen time to make us fake-think a character who we knew was going to live was actually going to die--wow. I mean, wow. Writerly and directorial prowess right there.
Each scene of the movie felt merely a hurried byway to the cheesy, awkward, off-pitch and anti-climactic next. The whole thing felt disjointed, not unlike this picture:
In which Harry anticipates the upcoming alien probing with terror, Hermione reveals confused dismay that they've discontinued the Salted Caramel flavor at Pinkberry, and Ron missed the apocalypse memo and has been misinformed that this is not the ultimate climax of a seven-years-in-the-making drama, but rather a shoot for the Land's End catalog.
If Harry had shown anything approaching this level of emotion in the movie, I would have been thrilled. I don't blame Daniel Radcliffe. I've seen him perform live and naked. I know he's a good actor because, while watching Harry Potter and the Half-Turgid Member, I was so swept up in the drama that I barely even noticed said member at all.
Shoot. Now I've gone and done what I swore I had no heart to do.
Let's move on.
In case you didn't know, here is what actually happened to Neville:
Happy Labor Day weekend. Special thanks to she-knows-who for the Pomegranate-infused tequila and the San Pelligrino Limonata. I'm having a love affair. It sounds like Anthony Bourdain and tastes like paradise.