Sunday, March 21, 2010

Full of Wish


I really hate Fort Collins, you guys.

Really truly. I really do.

I admit that in college I fantasized about the entire town being wiped out by a meteor.

Now I fantasize that about Orange County.

Wow, we are really getting deep into my psyche here, aren't we?

Dalley and Lindsey M. will tell you. I came home griping about the FC almost every single day. In retrospect, I don't know how I lasted four years of college here. Why didn't I leave this town I hate and go to college somewhere else?

The thought was overwhelming.

I did entertain the idea of transferring to Trinity College, Dublin, after my freshman year.

Trinity College Dublin, ha!

Perhaps I set my sights on the unattainable as an excuse for not having to really try.

Do I regret not going to Trinity College? Shrug.

I fantasized about meeting an Irish boy and falling in love. I fantasized about roaming the streets of Dublin alone.

Do I regret not going? Not really. If I had gone, I wouldn't have met Noah. What does one do, with things like this?

You did what you did. You made your decisions. I don't regret not going to Trinity College, Dublin.

1) I have less student loan debt for it and

2) Noah. Ayla. Indiana.

I got my hair dyed. Again.

Noah will tell you, I am never exactly thrilled with the results.

Except for one time. This is the only picture that survives of that time. My brother-in-law Zach got me drunk on Bahama Mamas and I snapped about a thousand pictures of myself and my mermaid hair in the back of his car while he and Noah chatted in the front seat and generally ignored in inebriation (until I had to use the bathroom more than any person in the history of the earth has had to use the bathroom before and we pulled off some boulevard in Tustin and I ran into some chain pizza joint, the kind of place my brother-in-law Zach would never DREAM of eating). Anyway, all the other pictures got lost when my desktop died. But here's the one that made it:


We were at Babe's in Palm Desert. Zach and Suzy ordered the iceberg wedge with blue cheese dressing, like the sophisticated southern Californians they are, and Noah and I didn't, and I was jealous of their salad.

I loved that necklace terribly and it fell right to pieces. This is why you don't buy jewelry from Forever 21. It costs five dollars and lasts five minutes.


I am dreaming to move out of Fort Collins.

Dreams are sensitive. Here is what I dream.

I dream of land in Montana.

I dream of the dusty red expanses of the New Mexican desert.

I dream of New York.

"You know in fantasy books, how there's always the one really prosperous country, and the author always describes it as full of wonderful delicacies and rarities," I said to Noah. "That is New York. It is full of marvels."

I hope I get these things that I dream. I sent up a prayer. I haven't asked for anything for a long time. So I asked for this.

There are things yet to be seen.

I would like to see more marvels.



  1. I will always remember you coming home from work at the Olive Garden or after a trip home to see your family in Denver and the wild eyed expression you would have as you described the horrors of driving around Fort Collins people. Aaron also has this gripe now, but it doesn't have your pizzazz.

    I hope you get your New York state of mind some day. You and Noah deserve it!

  2. I dream of moving to Connecticut, more specifically the Litchfield Hills. I'm not sure it will ever happen, but it's nice to dream.

  3. I know you'll get what you're dreaming of some day you truly deserve it


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