Thursday, April 8, 2010
We have to see this time of upheaval in our lives as a time of opportunity, I said.
Opportunity to kill ourselves? Said Mr. Vesuvius.
We never should have moved, said Ayla.
Her small hand is like a dove in mine.
You're right, I said. But we can only go forward. We can't go back.
We can't go back to our old house, Ayla says, and in her voice is calm acceptance. More than that. She has found that old comfort. She has accepted what must be.
We consider moves: Portland, California, Montana.
Ok, I consider Montana.
This is the place of indecision. Of possibility. This is the place I like the best.
It's not that I don't like what is. I work very hard at liking what is.
It's that I have always loved what could be.
With the feeling of possibility, my sadness begins to ease.
Can I remain in possibility forever? I hear it's endless. Is it a place I can learn to dwell?
Every day has possibility, every moment. It's difficult to remember, because remembering what might be requires action.
We always could have one more baby. I imagine waiting to find if we're having a boy or a girl. Either way, we know its name. This dream child that will likely never be.
In the dark, Noah rolls over. Asks me if I'd consider something. A private possibility. In another life, I say. In the dream life.
In the life of our imagining, I would do this thing. This, and many others.
Tori sings, somewhere someone must know the ending.
I smile. I imagine this is my job.
I can do this. I can guide you along the journey. That is the space I hold.
But only in my writing.
Our children, our unformed beings. Children are the embodiment of possibility. Our job is not to limit any of them.
A song on the radio says, you have control. You can steer.
I think , Can I?
I read a beautiful quote in a book. Some poetic person wrote it in a card to their friends upon the birth of the new baby. I was saving it for such an occasion, but perhaps I can share it here more authentically. Less of a dramatic re-enactment.
Everything is possible again.
Everything is possible.
Everything is possible.
**quote from Jonathan Safran Foer, quoting an unnamed friend, in EATING ANIMALS
Posted by Vesuvius At Home at 8:00 AM
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You could always hit the road in an RV or trailer. It's amazing!!ReplyDelete
First, I love the photo editing with that picture of Indy - did you do it?ReplyDelete
Also, I hope you don't move away. :(
But if it makes you happy... sigh...
Steer - Missy Higgins? Also, I love Tori Amos. You're writing is beautiful...anything concrete yet?ReplyDelete
Sarah, I don't know if your adventure is my adventure. Part of me loves the idea. Part of me panics. That is adventure in summary, I suppose.ReplyDelete
Heather, it's Rollip! Just copy Nie like me!
Colleen--YES Missy Higgins. I can't believe, on top of everything, you love Tori too. Surely this all must mean something?