I am really sorry about this blog.
Inspired by the meta-meta episode (look, I don't know if it was actually meta-meta. The show was aware it was a show, but was the show within the show aware that it was a show within. . . yeah, I don't like where this is going) of Supernatural, I thought I would do a meta blog.
So here is a blog about blogging. OR IS IT?????
Uh-oh!You've been Incepted!
First of all, blogging is very hard work and I take it very seriously. Usually before I blog I brew a cup of fair-trade, shade grown coffee and light a candle to invite the muse. I might do some deep breathing or repeat a mantra. I've been working with an expert--someone who also watches Oprah--and together we have lined up my chakras with the perfect mantra for my energy, which is: "Best Blogger Alive!!! Now Tunin' in to the Muthaf@&%g Greatest!!!!".
Yes my guru is Jay-Z.
Seriously though, after I light my candles and do some deep breathing to center myself, I am now ready to blog. I enter in by the Way of Peace:
Personally I think I am at my best when I'm being religiously irreverent (yeah, just forget all that stuff from the first paragraph. I like to be irreverent about other people's religions, not my own). Being irreverent makes me feel like a naughty school child. Here's how I looked forming that joke about how drums don't belong in MY praise music! Oh no I didn't!
Edgy ex-Lutheran girl who wore a promise ring in da house!
(You might not think the drum thing is funny, but I saw someone wearing a shirt that said that once and that is really not funny-er).
Sometimes I take a break during writing to peruse my comments. Now the thing about you poor saps who read my blog is that you are all really mean. I'm not going to name names here, but you guys keep coming round and saying things like "This was a really good one!" or, "haha!lol! *I* *TOTALLY* *KNOW* **WHAT** YOU** **MEAN**!", or even, I'm not making this up, "this blog was really touching today". (I'm looking at you Dalley G.) I am a very evolved being but it's still hard not to let these things get under my skin. So when I'm reading a comment from Dalley G, or any of the rest of you bastards, I generally look like this:
Another thing I do on this blog, because the Muse told me to, is always make a startling revelation. Something that really cuts to the quick of the human experience, like "Mothering is hard!" or "Wine". If nothing deep has happened to me that week, I totally just make stuff up.
"This stuff about humanity being like a bunch of fluffy kittens with snowflake-shaped hearts who need to make their own love music is STELLAR!"
I'm also really fond of doing this--here's a blogging tip from me to you: You say "The Truth Is" and then you make up some sad story with a happy ending or just plagiarize directly from O magazine. For instance (plagiarized parts in bold): "The Truth Is, I Martha Beck am Getting Fatter And Shoes for a New Year New You and Nate Berkus is Coming To Your House to Make Sustainable Banana Bread and Criticize Your Wardrobe! Every Buddha Gets An OWN Network!".
I mean, were you not just reeled in?
When I say "The Truth Is X" I'm usually feeling really self-satisfied I mean very deep and connected and not at all self-satisfied and so of course I look like this:
"What can I say? It's the truth."
So you can see here, guys, that blogging is a lot of hard work. It's a calling, really, and when I'm sitting at Starbucks drinking an iced mocha and totally not flirting with that barista who I thought was really in to me cause he kept complementing my purse but turned out to be trying to convert me to Mormonism, I'm not having any kind of 'fun' or 'relaxing'. I am slaving away here. (And really "Mom", I don't appreciate your cruel remarks, bloggers have feelings too). So, at the end of a hard day of slaving over my keyboard and chugging organic fair-trade shade-grown bird-of-paradise friendly coffee, I like to sit back and reflect on all the deeply meaningful, insightful, revelatory, straight up Great American Blog blogging I have done here.
Like that time I wrote about a mint plant.
I am Vesuvius and Now You Can have Dr. Oz's Ideal Body with Hasidic Jewish Yoga and Fashionable Winter Boots!
**mint plant post here, in case you don't believe me.