Monday, June 20, 2011

How To Work Out Really Good

1) Go to Target. Spend, like, an hour browsing work out clothes. Do you want the purple sports bra? Maybe the turquoise? Definitely not pink, you think. Who do you look like, Avril Lavigne? Why don't you casually suck on a dum dum while you're at it? Ooh, they have cool new sports pants with flared legs. "Wick dry", they say. Don't know what that means, but it sounds fantastic. Kinda British. Smashing. Buy new socks, while you're at it. Feel free to spend as long as you like shopping for workout clothes at Target. Think of all the calories you're burning carrying your frappucino and shopping at the same time!

2) Come home and put on all your new sporty clothes. Notice how kick-ass and skinny you feel just by putting them on. Stand on one leg and do a serviceable karate style round kick. Impress your daughters. Slap your thigh. Say, "See that?". Say, "That's from ballet". You took a semester of it in college. Bragging rights, earned. Do a couple plies. Go on! You are fabulous. (Don't jete. Just don't.)

3) Bust out the ipod. Create a new playlist. Name the playlist "Kickass Workout Playlist". This is where you're really going to bust a move. Fiddle around with your playlist. Go to itunes. Listen to samples: Ceelo, Kesha, Ting Tings, Britney Spears, Beyonce. Now you are really working hard. Google "workout playlists" to take it up a level. Sample more music. Buy more songs. Arrange them in your playlist in perfect order: warm-up, kick ass, cool down. Spend forever doing this. Literally. Forever. Make sure you're wearing your wicked dry pants. So badass.

4) Stick your ipod in your new sports bra, stretch your calves, and drive to Starbucks. Let the people notice you appear to have been working out. You walk differently, for some reason you straighten your shoulders and push out your hips in these British clothes. You're just so comfortable in your body now. Order the grande Mocha Coconut Frappucino. Let the barista tell you, because of your workout clothes, "You deserve this". Nod. Because you do.

You do.

5)Think, maybe it is time to go for a run? Check playlist. Playlist needs work.

6)Do some sweet yoga poses. The look like yoga poses, anyway. Wobble around one one ankle. Make prayer hands in front of your sweet sports-bra'd uni-rack. Say, "Oooh, I'm really feeling the good energy flow". Say "Namaste". When your kids say, "What?", just smile mysteriously. When your kids tell you to stop, it's annoying, the universe has just handed you the perfect opportunity to practice your round kick.

7) Spend a lot of time thinking about Kate Middleton. It is scientifically proven that you burn ab fat just by thinking about Kate Middleton. I learned this from Oprah. Not Oprah, Oprah, but the lady that comes on the public service channel at three am dressed like a playing card and calls herself "The New Oprah". Practice your Kate Middleton accent. That counts. Practice ordering champagne with a British accent. That counts too.

8) Roll out of bed and actually go for a run. If you run half a block and walk the rest, it still counts as 'a run'. Notice the return of the male gaze. It's shocking, being visible again. You didn't realize, all that time you were hauling around children, how you'd become invisible. Put a girl in sweet new fancy British pants and the boys are looking again. The bouncing ponytail, it must be. Enjoy the male gaze for about a minute. Then begin to resent all the unwanted attention. Start flipping people off. Go home and learn how to swear in Spanish.

9) Come home all sweaty. Feel fantastic. Stick out your hips. You don't know why, you just do. Return to Starbucks. You are a champion, my friend.

Just like your sports bra.


  1. Man, sounds like I should go buy me a sports bra and some flared wick-away sports pants.

  2. I think my favorite part is the sports bra'd uni-rack, but I'm not really sure because the whole thing is just so FABULOUS! This had me laughing out loud and relating the whole time! LOVED it.

  3. Awesome. Simply awesome. I spend more time trying to download podcasts onto my ipod to listen to while working out than actually working out.

  4. I just had a fabulous workout with Ryan in which we rode our bikes down to a lake by our house, then rode the bikes around the lake 1,900 times and went to go ride back. I only made it halfway before death breathing set in. He rode home, speedy mcgrew, and brought the car back for me and my wheezing self. 10 mile bike ride, harder than it sounds...

  5. I am laughing so hard at this ... Have I ever told you that I love you!!?? Cuz I offically do.
    I have become a workout maniac and I don't have cool pants, I want some. I do love the looks you get when you are out in your workout gear.. I deserve that route 44 Dr Pepper Damn it.
    You wanna good laugh? ....
    My play list is entitled "RUN BITCH" hahaha!

  6. Dy. ING. Laugh. Ing. thank you for this!!

  7. Hysterical! Sounds like *my* kind of workout!



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