Thursday, December 8, 2011

99 Problems But A Burger Ain't One


Today I needed a cheeseburger and a coke.

Not to worry, sometimes I just do.

I've been busy this week. I have mourned the lack of a flocked or white tree in my home anew, and I have kicked myself in the pants and told myself to get over it. I have bought and returned Christmas gifts (already). I have cleaned the house spiffy while listening to Ira Glass only to watch it be decidedly un-spiffed within scant minutes of my daughters arriving home.

I have downgraded to basic cable. Life without a DVR is hairy.

You heard it from me.

I have written no less than four blog posts this week and not posted any of them.

Because my spirit was restive and my heart

wasn't in the right place.

You know what my mom taught me: if you don't have anything nice to say, get on the internet.

(One of those blogs was about my mother-flocking unflocked tree. I wrote about how I sent Mr. V out alone and he came home with something that looked less like a tree and more like a well-intentioned but ultimately disastrous craft of mine. I wrote about how I decided to ignore the tree's patchy crooked visage and be grateful for my Mr. V.

Then I wrote how I call him Mr.V because it unsettles him to read his own name on the blog. I want you to know that so you don't go thinking I'm some hairy-legged feminist, even though right now THAT IS EXACTLY WHAT I AM).

On Monday I instant messaged my sister.

"Do you want to meet me at Ikea?" I said.

"I am actually at Ikea now," she replied. "But yes."

She drove home, put her kids down for naps, and drove me back to Socialist Paradise.

(I call it that because I don't want you to think I'm a socialist even thought right now THAT IS EXACTLY WHAT I AM.)

At Ikea I fulfilled Indy's wish for a box of puppies and our own wish for a topper of tree.

(Red. Felt. Star. 99 cents, thanks for asking)

Over free coffee and Swedish meatballs we discussed the important things like religious leanings and should I buy white frames and leave them white or paint them color.

It should come as no surprise to you that my sister is a Lutheran and I remain unaffiliated.

We like it that way. And that's ok.

She took the above picture of me and I like it so much I'm going to frame it and put it on my wall next to my bed. So every day I can arise and see myself being a nihilist. Don't ask me to explain why, I can't say why.

In a move calculated by my publicist to exponentially increase my street cred, I get to fly solo to the City of Angels on Monday night to attend the Jay-Z/Kanye West concert. (Solo flight. Concert with friend. She got the tickets free. She has connections. I can't say who.)

(She used to work for the Governator. That's all I'm saying)

What, you didn't know I was hard core?

Before that, I have to face a potluck.

Potluck, flight, concert, flight, drive, Disneyland, beach, Christmas.


That is all--wait.

I love you.

Over and out.


The blog address has changed. You can find me now at .

This makes me inordinately pleased.

Please change your bookmarks and your links, but: not to worry. should still direct you back here.

P.P.S but seriously, change your bookmarks and your links. Wouldn't you rather see up there in your address bar?

I sure would.


  1. Socialists Paradise is a favorite of mine as well, but I often leave feeling as though I've failed it. And as much as I love IKEA I've come to realize that I'm not very good at it. I inevitably find myself hauling multiple giant blue bags to my car while trying to balance a hot dog in one hand, a diet coke laced with lingon berry juice in the other and dropping it all in the parking lot. I'm not sure what that really has to to with socialism, but I haven't given up on the idea of it yet.

  2. While you're having a good time Big Pimpin' in LA, remember those less fortunate people (me) who have never ever been to IKEA. Sniffle Sniffle Sob. (But seriously, have fun!)

  3. I stumbled upon this blog through another blogger and I am already hooked. This is delightful!

  4. Maggie, I'm an Ikea failure too! I say we enjoy our lingonberry juice and to hell with the rest.

    Jane, oh I'm so sorry. Ours just opened in August and I'd been lost in here ever since. What I'd kill for is a Trader Joe's. I'm really sick of these meatballs.

    S.Stauss, thanks so much and thanks for stopping by! Check back in, sometimes Colin Firth guest posts (that is a lie).

  5. Yay for your new URL!

    But about the casserole. Come on, you were raised Lutheran. Though you may no longer be one, you should at least remember how to pull off the perfect covered dish.


  6. I'm like your sister: completely excited about your new URL. That is all. Happy Swedish meatballs to you.

  7. Oh, Ikea. I was in Denver for opening weekend and it was a freaking madhouse trying to get back to the office after lunch. Good grief.

    Have a fab time in LA! If you see my homies, tell 'em I said ... well, I don't have homies, so the chances of you needing this tidbit are pretty much none.

  8. Your new blog address will make much more sense to me seeing how everytime I see the name Tuttle, I think of my East Coast family, since that is their last name as well. A Jay-Z concert?? I'm barely cool enough to know who he is. Isn't be married to Beyonce? ;)


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